Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
