I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
