my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
