If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
