I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
