Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
