You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
