just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
