Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
