Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
