Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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