I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
