What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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