I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
