I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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