Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
