Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
