This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
