eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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