Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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