6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
too bad you live with your parents still
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
