I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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