I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
