I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
So squirting runs in the family.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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