Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
