Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
