Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
This is the high leading the old right now
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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