My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
