Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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