I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
