I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I need a beard to bite.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
