well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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