She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I love you.
Bad choice
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