Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
