3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
