that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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