Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
