I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
