The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
