yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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