i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
