youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
