I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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