Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
