The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
