I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
