So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
