she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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