I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
