Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
