My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
