pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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